Reflexiones sexología

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SEXUAL FANTASIES

September 10, 2018

Sexual fantasies are imaginary mental representations that stimulate and accompany sexual acts, as with dream interpretation, can give us access to knowledge of unconscious and repressed desires, in addition to representing our tastes in sexual matters.

Should we hide our fantasies? The fact that these remain in our subjective and unrealized world confer a degree of excitability but sharing them also provides an extra stimulus to sex with couple.

Having fantasies does not reflect a dissatisfaction in sexual relationships but rather they have mainly an aphrodisiac role, they are normal, exciting and completely natural. For clinical sexology the sexual fantasy is a necessary instrument for a satisfactory sexual life, without it, it is possible that a dysfunction of sexual desire is installed,  according to a study on sexology, the nature of fantasies varies among the population, but very few can be considered rare or unusual.

They are only considered pathological when they begin to take place and affect the life of the person or when they are the only way to achieve orgasm then they enter the field of paraphilias. Sexual fantasies are important to such an extent that the formation of the couple ideal that inspires us to fall in love and choose a partner is based on the sexual fantasies we build throughout life.

Its primary function is to intensify sexual pleasure by filling conscious desires and even unconscious ones providing stimuli for masturbation. Sexual fantasies are one of the richest fields of freedom and creativity in our human condition.

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THE MYTH OF ORGASM

June 27, 2018

Our socioculture that governs the opinions of how we think and feel has made us slaves of performance, the intrinsic value of an element is only measured by the maximum amount of benefit we obtain from it. Within our private and intimate sphere we have also succumbed to the tendency to measure all events quantitatively, even our sexual satisfaction is also regulated by a series of dogmas that decide for us how we should perceive our pleasure. The exclusive criterion of reference for the enjoyment is the orgasm, all the success within a sexual relation is measured by him, this entails great frustrations and disappointments that we could mitigate if we contemplated it from the correct perspective.

We can´t base our expectations of enjoyment solely on the size or duration of an erection or on the amount of orgasms achieved, whatever the conditions, it is necessary to demystify that three seconds of glory suffices to define quality and intimacy within a relationship.

The drives define us as sexed beings but there is much more to be taken into account within the universe of satisfaction than to function as mere infallible bodies. The orgasm is overrated and the lack of sexual education produces great suffering and misunderstandings, there is no failure within an intimate relationship if the experience is valued from a qualitative approach. The degree of satisfaction within an intimate bond is very subjective and individual, sometimes great feats leave us at the end totally dissatisfied.

The objective is much simpler but much more valuable, we must learn to enjoy the sexual life, sometimes insistently force a result makes our enjoyment stay on the road. When we stop distressing ourselves and discard all the expectations we have about how our sexual performance should be, we can begin to abandon ourselves to the experience, without expecting anything, just letting it be the moment, that takes us to the doors of pleasure.

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SEX AND STRESS

April 29, 2018

One of the serious consequences of stress in our body is the inhibition of sexual desire, we do not realize this decrease in libido until its levels have not fallen drastically. When not being able to make a disconnection of the daily problems, the dedication that demands the sexual act is practically impossible, instilling the fear of not fulfilling the own expectations or of the other. Stress increases cortisol levels, which prevents the production of hormones such as progesterone and testosterone, its consequence is the reduction of sexual desire. With stress we have moved away from the time for enjoyment, but sex itself can also be a source of stress, the fear of failure triggers the activation of the hormone thyroxine in our circulation that from a certain level restrains sexuality. Pleasure is the enemy of states of anxiety, the first step would be to combat the circumstances that cause our system to be out of control. Sometimes eradicating stressors in our lives is practically impossible, so we must look for ways to develop new coping strategies to be able to go through the stressful stages at the lowest possible cost. If we can´t reduce the negative impact in any way, then it is necessary to seek professional help, with analytical therapy we learn to know how our mental dynamics work and how we can control all the defensive mechanisms that are triggered when we are victims of stress. Anxiety is the first symptom that is established and that causes our entire biochemistry to be unbalanced, causing a multitude of pathologies including that our ability to enjoy sex is severely disturbed. If the stress we live in our lives overflows us, do not wait to seek help, mobilize as soon as possible to prevent the physical and psychological sequelae over time dangerously weaken our body.

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IMPOSITIONS IN SEX BLOCK US

April 11, 2018

Our sexual instinct takes millions of years to perpetuate the race and is activated biologically through specific hormones automatically, in fact sexual arousal can’t occur at will. But for human beings the only purpose of sexuality is not procreation but also the obtaining of pleasure and this is where our rational mind can complicate the panorama by introducing emotion into this equation. The instinctive drives that start from our oldest brain find in our rational part an insurmountable wall that produces a dissociation in our system difficult to reconcile, when our mind focuses exclusively on judging our sexual performance, our satisfaction usually disappears. The erection of the penis and the lubrication of the vagina are governed by the autonomic nervous system, the demands, the orders do not work, the anxiety generated by the impositions produces that the normal physiological reflexes do not originate, we must eradicate the sexual relations under pressure. Sexuality must unfold freely and spontaneously to be pleasurable, the fear of failure is the most important castrator that exists in our relationships, in the face of frustration we should not feel guilt or fear, we only manage to block our organism further entering a dynamic of difficult solution. What we think and feel greatly interferes with our erotic sensations and the quality of sex we have, the anxiety that we perceive in our sexual relations focuses totally the attention in our body and in how to control the situation causing that the dysfunction begins. We must break with this pattern that keeps us limited and understand that anxiety and pleasure are irreconcilable enemies, we must disconnect from the mental programming and allow the sensations to flow autonomously, they will lead us to the pleasure that we so crave.

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SEXOPATHY: ADDICTION TO SEX

March 21, 2018

Sex addiction is an uncontrollable need for sex of all kinds, as in all addictions, impulsive desire is the root cause of all addictive behavior, it is this uncontrollable compulsion that needs to be directly and adequately addressed so that there can be a true remedy. Sex addiction is a chronic psycho-organic disorder that requires adequate medical and psychological treatment, being the disease progressive and fatal. We can not appeal to reason to disengage from an addiction even knowing that it is very harmful to our lives, the intellect does not have enough power to eradicate it, it will only serve to deny and justify our actions. To relieve the anxiety produced by the obsessions, a series of behaviors called compulsions are carried out, these serve to momentarily lower the anguish when the addict manages to satisfy their needs. Erotic literature is the first ladder in addiction, with fantasies and compulsive masturbation, evolving later to live pornography, fetishes and love adventures. The most advanced phase can lead us to break the limit of legality with abuse, voyeurism, exhibitionism even reaching rape. Although the addict fights against himself in a battle to gain control of the disease, the fact is that biochemical changes occur in the brain and only an intensive psychotherapeutic intervention can help to overcome this disorder. The addictive behavior produces victims in addition to putting one’s own life in danger and that of others for possible sexual transmission. The fact that sexual abuse in childhood is found in a high percentage of sex addicts is very remarkable. You should ask for help as soon as possible if we are caught in this type of compulsion, the treatment does not aim to achieve sexual abstinence, but redirect sexual behavior towards healthier forms of behavior. It is especially important to know the reasons that drive these addictions, such as a strong anxiety base, difficulties in relating, emotional insecurity or sexual identity problems. We can not find any justification for such harmful behaviors therefore we must seek the necessary assistance to help us to be cured of this disorder and be able to redirect our life again.

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AGGRESSIVENESS IN SEX

March 6, 2018

The aggressive drive is a response to the disturbance caused by different basic needs, there is a close relationship between the circuits of aggression and those of reproduction in the limbic brain. Due to this agreement we might think that this would explain why some people experience pleasure with violence or have aggressive sexual behaviors. Recent research shows that when the mechanism of reproduction is activated in the brain, you can´t trigger at the same time the aggressiveness, for this reason we can´t give a purely genetic interpretation of the existence of aggressive behavior in sex. Experiences and education contribute to the structuring of emotions, in puritanical societies that stimulate constant seduction but deny satisfaction, generate sexual discharges that are much more aggressive and perverse. Also masochistic pornography where violence and sexual arousal come together can help a conditioned association between sexual arousal and violent responses. We see that sexual aggressiveness is related to intrapsychic conflicts where the drive can’t be neutralized or channeled by more affectionate sexual expressions. Sex is part of our life from the moment we are born and in a first stage our libido is expressed through autoerotism evolving as we grow, we are sexed beings and our mental health will depend on how we have integrated our drives with our affections, only then we can express ourselves in a complete way.

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THE DEVELOPMENT OF LIBIDO

November 29, 2017

Our libidinous energy is formed as we acquire years of life and assimilating in our psyche all the physical laws that define our possibilities of development. It regulates all our instinctive activity that has for its object the attainment of pleasure and follows an evolution from birth until your complete emotional development. The libido progresses in stages and is the psychic aspect of our instinctual sexual instinct, when this psychic aspect becomes conscious, it ceases to be instinctive and unconscious. This energy that is born of the instincts is expressed through reason, therefore, it manifests itself between the beast and our judgment, distorted by our aggressive instincts producing a conflict of difficult solution. This collision in our minds of two opposing forces, on the one hand the compulsive manifestation of our instincts and on the other our intellect, leads us irremissibly to neurosis. When we feel totally rational beings we think that our instincts have no strength in our psyche, but we are wrong, we continue to drag them and they are one of the main sufferings and challenges that we have to face, the automatic and unconscious processes govern most of our lives although we dislike it enormously to admit it. The current evolutionary stage of the human psyche lives in this condition, in a failed attempt to control the internal, we see it expressed in a sick socio-culture that reflects the true reality of the individual psychic state. The cortical part of our brain where our reasoning lives should eventually be able to predominate totally over the most visceral, this is a challenge for the evolution of our species. Consciousness emerged as a spark in nature more instinctive, we must believe that its power of transformation will lead our minds, to acquire the necessary lucidity, to protect in the near future, our race of ambivalence that still persists between the beast and the reason.

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PARAPHILIA

November 9, 2017

Paraphilia is when the excitement and sexual gratification of the person depend exclusively on the recurrent fantasy or realization of a special and unusual act, that becomes the main focus of sexual behavior, paraphilias are atypical variations of sexuality that constitute a sexual compulsion or an addiction. It usually has its beginning in childhood and puberty although it manifests later, the person who really suffers from this disorder is constantly assaulted by the need to satisfy his sexual desire, even though this interferes with his daily life, ignoring in many cases other responsibilities. Psychoanalytic theory considers that behavioral disorders are symbolic expressions of unconscious inner conflicts that generally go back to childhood. The libidinization of anxiety, guilt and suffering is a defense method characteristic of paraphilia, there is a compulsion to repeat without ceasing a pattern of sexual behavior, where the source of pleasure is displaced outside the sexual relationship and is obtained from some other activity or object. The most common paraphilias are: transvestism, fetishism, sexual sadism, exhibitionism, pedophilia, sexual victimizers, as well as many lesser known ones, it is very difficult to treat this disorder because people with paraphilias do not normally seek treatment, their behavior is a source of pleasure and encourages them to continue with this practice. The method used by the therapist to achieve his cure is often in vain, since there is no motivation in the subject to change their behavior, in adittion, the victimizers do not feel responsible for their actions because they say they are unable to control their impulses. Faced with this sad reality finding a solution to behaviors such as sadism and pedophilia becomes extremely complex, practices that unfortunately generate many victims, and as a society,  we should try to combine our efforts to eradicate them.

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SELF-BLAME ON SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

October 28, 2017

There are innumerable prejudices and beliefs about sex that have determined many repressive and psychopathological behaviors, and have caused great suffering because of the dysfunctional way of approaching relationships. It is important to understand how we were introduced to our sexual awakening and what kind of messages we received in our family environment when we grew up, sexual maturity is a process and it is vital to know what factors were the ones that accompanied our evolution from the beginning to understand what we are now. If in the present we suffer some sexual dysfunction, it is certain that to a lesser or greater extent we are immersed in a feeling of guilt, that only makes more aggravate the situation in which we are. Guilt is the first thing we must work when we want to overcome a sexual dysfunction, it is immobilizing and a loss of psychic energy, it is a feeling that is not going to produce any positive change by itself. This feeling of failure keeps us in a permanent state of anxiety before sexual interaction, creating the breeding ground to chronify the disorder we suffer. The first step to begin to overcome sexual dysfunctions is to completely eradicate the sense of guilt that torments us, we must work to restore our self-esteem that has been diminished due to the feelings of inadequacy that we suffer. We must seek the appropriate therapeutic help to begin to implement the techniques and exercises that are convenient for our particular dysfunction. Mobilizing to find a solution gives us back the power to restore enjoyment in our sex life, but guilt is an emotion that blocks and greatly interferes with the healing process. Focusing our intention on how to overcome the problem deviates us from victimizing attitudes that the only thing that contribute is to keep us in a recurrent circle with no exit.

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SEXO DESPUÉS DE ABUSOS

June 25, 2017

Lo primero que acompaña al adulto que ha sido abusado sexualmente en la infancia es un sufrimiento intenso que no cesa, el abuso se intenta reprimir pero desde las sombras el incidente dirige la vida psíquica y sexual sin tregua. El suceso no tiene solo el efecto devastador del hecho en sí sino que además debe lidiarse con el sentimiento de culpa irreparable del cómplice, éste sentimiento sobreviene al sentir que no se mostró ninguna resistencia al ser tan niño y se instaura el silencio, al no poder hablar de ello debido a los sentimientos de culpabilidad presentes. No poder tramitar adecuadamente estas emociones dejará una herida en carne viva difícil de cicatrizar. En completo aislamiento el niño crece y el adulto sufrirá todas las consecuencias del horror del recuerdo que le conduce a la incapacidad del disfrute sexual, sintiendo que la elección del deseo conduce inevitablemente al pánico de la violencia, de hecho se desea el no deseo del otro. En el caso de mujeres abusadas su relación con el sexo es muy compleja, debido al trauma que arrastran, su autoimagen se encuentra muy depreciada, ya no se sienten ellas mismas ni tampoco ante la mirada de los otros. No soportan percibir que los hombres las desean por lo que tratan de no gustarles buscando la invisibilidad o pueden ir al otro extremo y mostrase siempre disponibles a los deseos de los demás al sentirse culpables por su violación. El rencor y el odio que se puede sentir después de una experiencia tan devastadora puede impedir que se tenga contacto con los sentimientos de culpa que permanecen en estratos más soterrados de la psique. Comprender  el significado de la culpa será el primer paso liberador para encaminar la recuperación de la experiencia y debe ser con ayuda terapéutica especializada en abusos o maltrato. El objetivo de la cura será ayudar a reconfigurar de nuevo las partes que quedaron dañadas en la mente, trasformando las emociones disfuncionales a la luz de un nuevo contexto, de un nuevo entendimiento, en emociones constructivas, que nos permitan trascender la experiencia con el menor coste personal posible.

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